I had wanted him so badly and I so badly wanted to be done with dating, the apps and the small talk. Would he leave if I asked? Would he hurt me? It is strange when you think this person is the one, and then when they come over, you hide your belongings. I was scared of what he would do if I said no. I thought this was what I wanted - or more accurately, all I could ask for. Then I’d pay the bill, and we’d settle into our roles. I was this two-dimensional character in this torrid romance novel playing out on our phones, morning, noon and night. The fantasy really took hold and we were off to the races. My role was “the sugar daddy,” and he was “the struggling hunk.” I was going to take care of him, and all he had to do was be cute and love me.

We relied heavily on fantasy in our texts. Our first meeting turned into a few dinners and many text messages. He was really handsome and sweet and he seemed to be smitten with me too. When we met at Precinct Bar in downtown Los Angeles, I was smitten with him. He was in his early 40s and very attractive and he wanted to meet. I finally hit the jackpot and got a match. When you are in your mid-50s in the gay world, you could swipe right on everything and have limited options. Those dating apps became a security blanket, something I could swipe at and feel like part of the process. The reality is that I have been afraid of intimacy and have used these excuses to protect myself. In my 20s and 30s, I wanted to play the field, and in my 40s and early 50s, I was focusing on my career. Maybe finding romantic love isn’t for everyone.

Affairs: My ex tried to play matchmaker for me.

I love sugar story